50 SHADES INTO A SUNSET. PART I

"I LIKE YOU..A LOT" HE SAID. NOT LOVE, JUST LIKE. I WAS SEVENTEEN.HE WAS THIRTY. I NEEDED SOME ATTENTION DESPERATELY. SOMETIMES YOU BLAMED IT ON YOUR DADDY ISSUES, OTHER TIME YOU JUST KNEW IT WAS YOU. WHAT MADE YOU THIS WAY YOU ASKED A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, BUT YOU CANT REALLY CARE. YOU LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY WITH YOU, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU HOPED HE MIGHT COME TO LOVE YOU, NEED YOU FOR MORE THAN JUST HIS CARNAL DESIRES. THEY SAY THE BEST LIES ARE HALF TRUTHS. BUT WHAT IF SAYING THE TRUTH COMPROMISES EVERYTHING THAT YOU LOVED, DO YOU STILL SPEAK IT. 

THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM, HE WAS EVERYTHING I BELIEVED A LOVED ONE SHOULD BE. NOT NECESSARILY NICE, BUT ALWAYS THERE. AFTER OUR FIRST DATE HE HAD TOLD ME "I WANT TO FUCK YOU", AND I HAD POINTED OUT THAT HE WAS TOO OLD FOR ME, AND HE HAD SAID "SO?" AND I KEPT QUITE AS USUAL. I WASN'T EVEN THINKING OF THE CONSEQUENCES BUT I CLEARLY REMEMBER THE SCENT HE WAS WEARING, IT WAS TOM FORD. HE SMELLED RICH, POWERFUL...AN APHRODISIAC TO MY LUSTFUL AMBITION. WE WALKED HOME THAT DAY, ALL THAT WHILE HE HELD MY HAND, RUBBED IT AND OCCASIONALLY MADE SPITEFUL REMARKS AT OTHER COUPLES SHOWING PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION...WELL AT LEAST THEY'RE HONEST AND LEGAL I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. BY THE TIME WE PASSED THE LAST LAMPPOST CLOSEST TO MY HOUSE, I MADE SURE I LOOKED AT EVERYTHING, I WANTED TO REMEMBER HOW EVERYTHING FELT LIKE, OR SMELT LIKE THE LAST TIME I LOOKED AT THIS COLD CRUEL WORLD WITH TRULY INNOCENT EYES. I SMELT MY BREATH, SMELT LIKE CHEESE I THOUGHT, NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE, BUT WHY DO I CARE. HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE ME. HE WANTS TO USE ME I SAID. I SHRUGGED. "ARE YOU COLD?" HE ASKED. I SHOOK MY HEAD. "ARE YOU SCARED?" OF COURSE YOU DIMWIT I THOUGHT BUT I LOOKED UP AND GAVE A FAKE LAUGH "NO" I REPLIED. "YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING YOU KNOW" OH REALLY DAD? I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.  

THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU IS TO BE HELPLESS AND NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL AT ANY GIVEN TIME. THAT NIGHT, I MOVED FROM EMOTION TO EMOTION LIKE A HIPPIE ON A TOUR. ANGER, FEAR, DISGUST, CONTEMPT AND EVEN LUST..THEN GUILT. IT ALWAYS BOILED DOWN TO GUILT. BEAR IN MIND, THAT THIS MAN WAY OVER A FOOT TALLER THAN ME AND MIGHTY STRONG BOTH IN CHARACTER AND BUILD.  

I OPENED MY HUMBLE LITTLE APARTMENT WITH SHAKY HANDS AND PARTIALLY NUMB FINGERS. WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID THE LITTLE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD ASKED. FUCK IT, MY BODY SAID. WE STEPPED IN, IT SMELT LIKE ME AND I KNEW BY TOMORROW MY SHEETS WOULD LINGER WITH A HINT OF HIM.